I haven’t wrote anything on here in awhile. And I’m probably going to get rid of this app soon, but before I do I need to vent. It’s 4:43 AM and I just got back home from a little crazy day. I babysat one of the neighborhood kids today for a few hours, went to pick up my cousin from the Y, then went to babysit 3 more neighborhood kids. I was with these kids for 8 whole hours… I made so much money. Anyway, my Tio & tia were out drinking and I told their mom that I was going to pick up my drunk family and she said I should bring my aunt back over so she can meet her. I’ve said before that they should be friends so my aunt agreed. We dropped off my drunk uncle at our house then headed over. I love my aunt but she was so drunk and the rest of us were all sober (mainly me) so she was a little annoying, but I think the mom I babysit for likes her so that works! Anyway, this story starts after we leave their house at like 3 AM. My aunt and I went to Waffle House and had some deep conversations. Conversations about my family and mainly my parents.
I have always tried to figure out a solution to a problem instead of dweling on the problem and letting it define me. My problems will only make me stronger. Anyway, the topic of my parents came up. I don’t like to say that I’ve had a terrible life, because one way or another I’ve always had a roof over my head and food on the table, but that doesn’t mean I haven’t had a rough life or a rough childhood. Others have had it way worse and I’ve always felt bad for complaining about my struggles but my hard times matter as well.
I never saw my parents happy, I realized while talking to my aunt. They fought everyday and if they didn’t, it didn’t feel normal for me. They were never meant to be together and the only good thing that came out of them was my siblings and I. That’s all. My mom will always be my mom, and my dad will always be my dad, and that’s it. As much as I’ve always strived for a better relationship with them, it’ll never happen and I’ve accepted that. From a young age I’ve seen their relationship and always knew that wasn’t healthy or what I wanted for myself. I remember I’d hear my dad screaming at my mom for who knows what, and I’d tell myself I’d never let a man yell at me like that. I remember my mom never being excited to go to my choir concerts because music isn’t her thing. Sports isn’t my thing. But you better believe that if my children ever do sports I will be at every game, cheering them on and letting them know they’re important.
My parents being the shitty parents they are have made me into who I am today. I’ve set standard, I’ve learned what I like and don’t like in a partner. And I’ve learned to be so independent and figure everything out on my own, because I could never count on my parents. They were never someone I was excited to tell good news to, and that’s so sad.
Even though I wasn’t the happiest growing up, or even now, everything has made me into who I am and if I’m a mother one day I promise my children will never live the life I’ve had.
This is stupid and if anyone ever reads this I’m so sorry. There’s more I want to say but it wouldn’t make any sense. It’s 4:52 so I have nobody to talk to, and I needed to get my thoughts out. I need to go to bed, I have work tomorrow. Goodnight.
